Fundamentalist Barbie

Or “The Regime has changed but the crazy remains the same.”

 

Something I wrote a number of years ago before Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – or MockMoodyMadJihad, as I called him – fell from power. Yet it seems relevant still today  – to me at least – because of the ongoing media obsession with PEOTUS Trump’s perceived coziness with Putin and Russia. Some of us studied, have degrees in, and read voraciously still today about Russian & Soviet Politics – past and present – and likewise generally stay apprised of world events on the whole.

I was gobsmacked and disgusted over the Iran deal that was done under the Obama administration; just yesterday morning, our Navy ships in the Straits of Hormuz were forced to fire warning shots on Iranian boats.  I will not go into the chapter and verse detailed criticism to which my entire family and close circle of friends have been repeatedly subjected, but suffice it to say that it has more gaps than the London Tube system. But converse to the daily scrutiny, which borders on hysteria, by most of the U.S. press regarding Trump/Putin, the mainstream media’s critical or objective commentary on the Iran deal is remarkable only in the absence of it. Yet that government is batcrap on a cracker crazy. And – most importantly of all – hugely influenced by Russia.

So this begs the question – again, to me at least – of why it’s so wrong to have a cordial, if not cooperative, relationship with Russia, as they are the head of this proverbial snake; a snake which also is comprised largely of the clusterfuck that is Syria.

In the case of many of the kerfuffles which exist in the most problematic parts of this world in which we live, Russia is at the seat at the top of the table of dysfunction. So why not pull up a chair. How much worse can it get.

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Fundamentalist Barbie – 2008

Several weeks ago I was watching CNN and the crawl across the bottom of the screen said “Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran says that Barbie is a severe threat to national security.”

Well, duh. Does he think this is some sort of revelation (not a biblical reference, Mr. Mockmoodymadjihad)? Seriously. I want to know one little girl who was ever made to feel SECURE by Barbie. Her make-up is always perfect, even after sleeping 12 hours or 12 weeks, being thrown in the dirt, flushed down the toilet or carried off in the mouth of a dog. Her hair always shines without any apparent use of conditioner or treatment. Her stomach is so flat it is concave. Her boobs so spherical and upright that even surface-to-air missiles are envious of them. And, of course, she has the Dream House, pink Corvette, and (sexually questionable) Ken. She is clearly the plastic embodiment of every unachievable goal that women my age now set for themselves. Indeed, it may even be the very reason that so many women my age now inject and look like plastic – they are only trying to emulate their heroine. But somehow Mr. Mockmoodymadjihad thinks that it’s only his country whose security is threatened by her increasing omnipresence, and members of his cabinet have even gone so far as to suggest that this is some sort of covert effort by the Western World to smuggle our ideals into their otherwise Ziploc tight Islamic regime.

Indeed at full rant it seems as though they are setting the stage to argue that there is a serious underground movement that operates in and profits from…..doll trafficking.

But I have another theory. Just as immigrants from other countries attempt to smuggle themselves past the borders of countries like the United States, UK and Australia in order to experience freedom, capitalism and a chance to live their dreams, Barbies from all over the world are actually paying to be smuggled into Iran in order to enjoy their own form of freedom. Think about it. The chick never eats. How can she when little girls are constantly taking her clothes on and off, exposing her perfectly toned midriff and ass. She has an image to protect. And what about that wardrobe? It only comes in one size and if she outgrows it by even a nanometer, she will simply have to go naked. And that hair? Everyone always assumes that Barbie enjoys spending endless hours brushing and grooming it, but in reality she has other interests that she would rather spend time pursuing. But in Iran, she knows that this will not be a problem because in Iran, she can wear an abaya or hijab. She can cover everything up. She can actually eat! Barbie can become a fatty without fear of recourse or worry that she will single-handedly lower the Mattel share price. And as for the hair, put it in veil! That’s what everyone else does. And she might even be able to find one with polka dots to match her disco-Barbie platform sandals. This could work – she might even be really popular. Moreover, it’s a well-known fact that Tehran has one of the highest per capita numbers of plastic surgery and surgeons in the entire world. And what other kind of surgery is there for a doll made of plastic? And as the woman has clearly never had a pee or a poo in her entire life due to the anatomically incorrect nature of her nether regions, she must be dying for some relief. Where better to have that corrected? And finally, as Mr. Mockmoodymadjihad has very clearly and credibly stated that there are absolutely, 100% no gays in Iran, she will not have to worry about hooking up with yet another sexually questionable male counterpart like Ken.

She can find a real man who will not expect her to speak, have an opinion or get a job – what more perfect scenario exists for plastic blonde? Heaven on earth!

So relax, Mockmoody, baby. Feel flattered: she wants to convert to Islam, not pervert Islam. So license her, trademark her, approach Mattel and maybe, just maybe, you could originate the idea of Fundamentalist Barbie and use the royalties to import a few more nuclear scientists from North Korea.

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